July 1, 2002
Healing Old Losses
By Meredith Young-Sowers
How much you love someone has nothing to do with how much they love you.
It was Sunday morning, and I was carrying an armload of firewood into the house. I remember the exact moment and the specific place I stopped when I made the discovery because my feet refused to take another step. I stood still, as if any motion would interrupt the flow of words that were taking shape -- a new perspective on an old loss.
Guidance is what comes to us as legitimate insight, often unexpectedly, from the deep river that flows through us -- the river of the collective consciousness, the collective goodness of all life. I think of this river as God, the Divine Absolute, the loving Creator who provides the insight to heal old pains. I had assumed that my unanswered questions must have no answers, imagining that my deepest pain would never find a resolution. I felt as if I'd allowed an essential need to know what happened to the bond between my friend and me to be cast away, tossed to the winds.
For years, I had felt competitive with other women. I wasn't interested in being the "weaker sex." I wanted to be in charge, although I could never find the inner authority to support my outer authority. Many of us learn our distrust of other women from our mothers, who taught us how to create the safe harbor of hearth and home. They sent us on a course to capture a man, a job, and a life-style, snatching the prize that others wanted. This borrowed approach to success and authority brings only unhappiness. How grateful I am for the changes in my world that brought women to me and me to women as mentors, allies, wise women, and sister healers.
Sometimes, a potentially long-term friendship -- a sisterhood relationship -- comes to us before we're ready, emotionally or spiritually, to be with it. Instead of facing the wind together, we cut our teeth on each other's growing edges. We hurt each other and ourselves trying to find our way together, only realizing the relationship's significance when we contemplate the smoldering remains of its undoing.
On that Sunday morning, I'd been revisiting the sadness I felt at the loss of the very special, long-term friendship that had self-destructed years earlier. This was no ordinary friendship. I started Stillpoint Publishing with this special woman friend, along with my first husband. We worked hard for many years to get this enterprise off the ground -- a time of effort, outrageous fun, and meaningful spiritual discovery. Although we seemed as different as any two women could be, we shared a journey to the sacred that was at the core of both our lives.
Sometimes, a potentially long-term friendship -- a sisterhood relationship -- comes to us before we're ready, emotionally or spiritually, to be with it. Instead of facing the wind together, we cut our teeth on each other's growing edges. We hurt each other and ourselves trying to find our way together, only realizing the relationship's significance when we contemplate the smoldering remains of its undoing.
… (a few words) Years after we'd gone our separate ways, I found myself ruminating over past events. There was no new ground to cover, no fresh thoughts, just the old accusations and self-pity. But, as if someone suddenly opened my heart and poured in a healing remedy, I made a discovery. It wasn't necessary for my friend to love me in order for me to love her. I felt as if I had turned over a new leaf in my heart.
As if my love for my friend had been waiting for permission to be rekindled, I felt the winds of change sweep over me. I knew that I had received a piece of wisdom that would take years for me to appreciate fully. In an instant, with my feet planted firmly in the sandy gravel of my driveway, I felt a rush of overwhelming love for my friend. She was once again my precious sister. I felt her lifeblood, as if it were my own, flowing through my body, and her joy as if it were my own. Whatever unresolved issues and sorrows remained in my mind, they no longer lived in my heart. I was stunned.
That experience has been a profound teacher. My inner Wise Counselor was saying to me, "Look, you're not separate at all. It only seems that way. You're as close to your friend in your heart as you ever were. Enjoy all that nourishes your love, for these feelings also support bonds of caring and tenderness in every other heart. You're all connected! As you honor your kinship with another, you accept the blessing of their kinship with you."
Not long after this realization I had a chance to put my understanding into practice. I didn't know it, but my friend had returned to my town for a visit. I was having lunch in a small local luncheonette when she walked in the door. My shock at seeing her was clearly matched by the look of disbelief on her face. She was with mutual friends who stopped to chat at our table before moving on to their own. The strain between us was palpable. Strangely, I felt enormously peaceful. When I was ready to go, I walked over to her table and said goodbye. She got up to walk me to the door. She felt frozen -- a million miles away from any emotional connection to me. As we came to the door, I remember putting my arms around her and whispering, "I'll always love you." I didn't think it mattered in the least to her, but I knew it mattered deeply to me. I felt free, at last.
As irony would have it, she was persuaded to call me, and we spent several hours together before she left town. As we talked, the pain didn't just magically disappear, but beneath the pain, when I looked into her face, I knew that although our friendship had gone underground, it wasn't dead. I only hoped that we'd be able to walk safely through the field of landmines as we tried to rebuild our relationship. Maybe it was "karma," the bonds that can carry over from previous lifetimes; but whatever it was, when we said goodbye this time, both our faces were streaked with tears, and my hug was returned with genuine feeling.
Never underestimate the power of love to heal. Being willing to love someone even if that love doesn't set things right moves us to an entirely new inner space. Love frees us from the pain and anger that hold us captive.
God in the voice of our Wise Counselor reveals our kinship with all life when we feel alone and left behind. My prayers nowadays include a willingness to be kin with anyone who needs the same bonds that I do.
Wise Counselor Friends
Many people -- like my friend -- play the role of Wise Counselor in our lives. A Wise Counselor is a person who is a mentor or spiritual teacher in disguise, who willingly guides, supports, comforts, inspires, and directs our life when we need it most. Wise Counselors appear at just the time we're in greatest despair, when we're asking questions like, "How could a loving God create such pain in my life?" or "What does God want from me?" Or, "How can I feel safe in this world when I don't know where to go or who can help?"
A Wise Counselor appears whether we're praying for help or just in need of guidance and lacking the realization that we can ask for it. A Wise Counselor can be an ordinary person saying something extraordinary, one who buoys us up when we have no energy, confidence, hope, or inspiration left. Wise Counselors say, "Let me help you," and they do. The grandmother who strokes her granddaughter's hair, saying, "Life doesn't need to be so hard if you just find love inside" is an example. So is the teacher who, seeing a student struggling with a writing assignment, hands her a piece of her own writing, saying, "Use my words until you find your own."
A Wise Counselor's words touch our spirit. Their caring comes from a generous nature and their insights from personal experience. They are more interested in our growth than our emotional comfort. They see what we need and help us in just the right way. Wise Counselors are precious to us because we know we can trust their guidance.
Wise Counselors can be our own authentic selves or people we've loved and trusted for years. They can appear out of nowhere with a word, thought, or solution for the exact situation we face. As so often happens, when we come to a difficult crossroads in our lives, a time when no one path seems clear, we may see no way out of our dilemma. In these times, the mysterious force of Divine Love seems to sense that we're in a "teachable moment," and if we're paying attention, we are thrown a lifeline.
Just as we learn from a physical teacher, we can learn from our own inner teacher. Our inner Wise Counselor embodies many of the same qualities as our Wise Counselor friend or mentor. Our Wise Counselor is the voice of wisdom that we all possess and can call on to choose the most appropriate and satisfying choices for our lives.
There is an inherent wisdom to life, a layer of knowing that lies hidden beneath our daily goings and comings. This wisdom helps us understand that we are kin with all forms of life on Earth. Knowing that we are a part of God's creation helps us feel safe in a world that is anything but safe. We can feel safe in the world because we are progeny of Divine Love, which show up in our lives as the ability to change and choose how we will live, how we can release old worn-out clothes and be re-born in a new set.
Excerpted from: Wisdom Bowls; Overcoming Fear and Coming Home to Your Authentic Self, by Meredith Young-Sowers. Stillpoint Publishing, October 2002.
Meredith Young-Sowers
Co-founder of Stillpoint Publishing Company and The Stillpoint Institute, and founder/director of the Stillpoint School of Advanced Energy Healing, Meredith Young-Sowers has been teaching, counseling, and doing deep, intuitive healing work for more than two decades. She is the author of several best-selling books, including Agartha and the Angelic Messenger Cards. Meredith's new book, Wisdom Bowls; Overcoming Fear and Coming Home to Your Authentic Self, is based on the healing model she developed and teaches at the Stillpoint School. For a preview, visit www.wisdombowls.com. For more information about the Stillpoint School of Advanced Energy Healing, call: 1 800 847-4014, or visit their website.