March 1, 2005
FISHING FOR A BETTER LIFE
by Karolee Bulak
In the boring midst of my middle 30's, I was given the unwanted gift of two very small and very orange goldfish. At fist I thought that giving them away would be a much kinder gesture to the fish, since I had no interest in them anyway. Neither did I want the responsibility of taking care of two living things because I already had enough to take care of with a husband, son and live in mother-in-law. Adding two more dependents onto my list was not what I wanted or needed at that time but little did I know that these very small and ordinary fish were going to change and alter my life forever.
I grudgingly constructed the small aquarium which was a basic five gallon tank made out of thin fragile glass. I carefully poured the contents of one large bag of neon colored blue rocks onto the bottom and stuck in a green plastic plant. I then plopped myself down on the couch and waited for the water to reach room temperature.
When the time was ready to add the fish, I held up the clear plastic bag and looked at my two new wet companions. They seemed to be both looking back at me in anticipation. I decided to assemble the plastic diving man that was included with the tank and carefully placed him in the middle of the rocks and watched as the diver's helmet slowly released tiny little bubbles of air into the water. I finally released the fish into the tank and watched as they swam around their new home.
It wasn't long before I noticed how the fish could only swim so far before they would hit the sides or the bottom. I started to think about my life and realized that it was similar to theirs but not in such an obvious way. Somehow I had stopped trying to swim past my four walls and had settled quietly on the bottom in despair.
I continued to watch the fish swim back and forth for days. I couldn't help but to reflect upon my own life. Unlike these two fish, I had been free to go anywhere I wanted and to go as far as I could, but somehow I had seemed to confine myself to an aquarium of my own. I had my own glass walls that no one else could see and they were also very small and fragile. Although I knew logically that I had freedom to do what I wanted and when I wanted, I realized I felt just as trapped as the fish. After a short time of observation I started to feel rather uneasy. These fish were making me think about things that most of my friends and family didn't even want to talk about, let alone acknowledge.
I wasn't even aware that I could get out of my "tank", but in a way I think I was unwilling to get out because breaking out of it meant the unknown and that was scary to me. I had felt trapped in an unfulfilling marriage with someone who didn't value or respect me. I also felt trapped in a dead-end career that left me feeling hollow and empty and had no real sense of purpose for me. Even though I was living in London which is one of the most exciting cities in the world, I wasn't happy there, yet I felt trapped there and didn't know where else to go. My spirit yearned for life in the country surrounded by nature, sunshine, beaches, mountains and animals yet I was confined to cars, pollution and clouds. I had also felt trapped in a lifestyle which consisted of overeating, smoking and little if no exercise.
As the days continued to pass and I continued to complain about the same things and same people in my life, I started to think about what it was that I was complaining about. I noticed that the fish were limited and they didn't have much to look forward to except for their daily meals. As this started to seep into my own water logged brain, I started to have a revelation. Up until that moment, I realized I had been living my life in entirely the same way. I just accepted where I was in life even though I wasn't happy with it in any way. I didn't have anything to look forward to either. My life was the same day in and day out, a rather bleak and miserable existence. I did nothing about it except to complain about it daily. I didn't realize it was my responsibility to make my life better. I had believed that I was as powerless as my two fish but now I knew that was far from the truth.
In the past, I didn't know where I was going or what I wanted to do. I lived my life in a continual fog, being lost and directionless. I was consumed with thoughts of negativity about the people in my life, some of which I had felt trapped to be with. These people didn't make me feel good about myself and I was allowing them to continually hurt me. Why was I suffering through life with anyone, let alone people who didn't value or respect me?
I knew that my life would continue to pass regardless so it was at that moment that I decided to swim for my life and to make the changes that I needed. I did not look back and I knew that I could no longer stay at the bottom and settle for less. This meant saying goodbye to a lot of people that I had known for many years. It was very hard for me, but I knew that it had to be done and that I had to break free of my own glass tank. I thought about the reasons why I had held onto some people for such a long time, friends that had left me feeling unvalued and unloved over and over again. I had been living with no boundaries and had left myself open for people to continue to disappoint me or to leave me feeling worthless. Once I realized this truth, these relationships naturally ceased.
Next was my career. I no longer needed to settle for a less than fulfilling career. There were many choices for work. Instead of wallowing on the bottom I could rise to the top by furthering my education to something that made my heart sing and gave my life a sense of purpose. I needed to have value and meaning in my work and knew that I had a lot to offer. Up until then, I had neglected and ignored my natural ability as an artist. I also believed that if I followed my heart, true happiness would be found. I enrolled in college in London where I was living and worked hard for the next 4 years and achieved a BA Honors Degree in Art which lead to several exhibitions. I also decided to end my marriage at that time, which was very difficult for me to do as my dream had always been to have a happy family, but my truth was that I had a very unhappy marriage where neither one of us had been fulfilled, so we parted our way but continued to stay only friendly terms and although it was very difficult at times, I always knew in my heart it wasn't meant to be. We both deserved better and we both had settled for less.
I also changed my health and diet by taking up yoga which I found not only improved my body image but also gave me a great sense of mental and spiritual peace. I started walking a few miles each day and playing tennis. I quit smoking. I ate healthier foods and noticed that this made a great improvement in my emotions and energy levels. Before I had always been a sugar addict and although eliminating sugar was very difficult at first, I knew that in order for me to feel and look good, I had to stop eating it. The results were amazing. I had lots of energy, felt upbeat and for the first time, I wasn't an emotional wreck.
I decided to join groups where I was naturally meet new friends with people that I had things in common with not to mention people with whom I could find and create relationships that were based on mutual respect and value.
I realized that I had been living my life in a small glass box and that if I didn't break my own glass walls and swim to a bigger and better life soon, I would suffocate and die on the bottom on my tiny tank. I couldn't allow that to happen, so I thanked the fish for teaching me such a valuable lesson and I set them free in a big pond in a neighbor's garden where they had no walls or barriers but instead had sunlight and fresh food. I then broke my own four glass walls and swam to a bigger and better life myself.
About Karolee
I have a BA Honors Degree in Mixed Media Art from the University of Westminster London. I am a writer and illustrator and have written and published several magazine/newspaper articles. I am also an artist and have had several art exhibitions in London. I am currently running a creative expression group for children to help them deal with their emotions through art and creativity and I hope to work toward my masters in Art Therapy soon.